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BHeavenlyJust an Experiment in Narcissism
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July 05 Blogging I think I may take a break from blogging while I sort things out in my head.
 Maybe I'll play more UO.
I have a lot on my mind and it's not going to help this time for me to try to figure it out on the good 'ole blog.
Don't ask me to talk about it. I can't. I haven't got the words.
I've been spending a lot of time just sitting out in the sun thinking. I don't know if I am getting anywhere with it though.
I am a fish out of water. Flopping around on the bottom of the boat. Let's see if anyone throws me back, or if I just die here, gasping for air. I don't want either one to happen. Is there another option? Maybe there is.
I'll let you know.
Love you all. Thanks for being friends. July 03 So... Sometimes in this life we make choices that change the rest of our lives. For good or for bad we choose our paths and deal with the consequences. Sometimes we don't know what is right and what is wrong, we just do our best and make our best judgments.
Do you always reach out and grab the hand that is trying to help you? We are not islands you and I. Everything we do somehow affects someone elses life. Either subtlety or greatly, someones life is going to be changed by the paths you choose. Wouldn't it be wise to accept the hands offered to you as you fall down the tunnel of life?
WTF the "tunnel of life"?!? What the hell. Have I become so introverted and retrospective that I am starting to create new cliché's such as "the tunnel of life"?
Sometimes I find myself wondering what has happened to me. Have I been kicked so many times that I have just come to expect it? Isn't that a scary and horrible thing? Am I flinching at the mere sight of security? (Wow more cliches...)
Someone I love told me recently to just relax and let everything fall into place naturally. Is that really what we are supposed to do in this life? Or are we supposed to create our futures through the actions of our present? I guess that's one of those chicken and the egg questions.
How do you tell someone how you feel when you are afraid to? For the first time in my life I am actually scared to share my feelings. Isn't that something. Me.. who is open and honest at all times. Flirty and never shy... I am afraid of saying exactly what I am thinking. Holy crap. This feeling makes me wonder how shy people function. I feel like I am going to explode. No wonder so many shy people just shut down.
I wonder what's going to happen to me now. Perhaps my feelings will be sensed and I wont have to say them out loud.
I'm so run down over this the past couple of days... soon I may shut down completely.
I guess it doesn't really matter either way.
Wow I bet this blog makes absolutely no sense to anyone. I can barely make it out myself. June 30 Digging Down Deep Ahh my blog. My "safe zone". Where I can come type and let out whatever I am thinking without bothering anyone who doesn't want to know.
I have this calendar right next to my computer on the wall. I mark out the days with a sharpie. I guess June left while I wasn't looking. Apparently it wasn't one of my best months. You can tell the good from the bad by the way I X out the days. I hope July is better. I still have hope.
I lost my train of thought for a moment. Seems lately I tend to drift off into my own thoughts and lose all concentration on what I am doing. Maybe it's the meds. I just have these random thoughts all day. Like... "I wish I had a pet. " or "I wonder if Billy will wash my car for me." Stupid shit really... although sometimes it's really serious too.
I titled this blog "digging down deep" because that's really what I've been doing a lot this month. Really trying hard to find strength. It's not the way you think though. It's not the way anyone understands it seems. I wish someone did. I can't explain it. I have this need to be... relied upon (I guess that's the best way to put it) but it's not really happening. I am trying to explain it without sounding all "emo" but I've had to backspace half a dozen times so far because everything sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, and that's not the case at all. Sure, I am disappointed but I am not saying "poor me" but more of... how do I go about fixing it...
I always want to fix stuff. It's a woman thing I think. Guys just want to get over things... or get past them. Women want to pick them apart and sew up all the loose ends. So yeah, I am digging down deep and trying not to pick things apart or fix anything. I'd like it if I was needed more though.
I'm definitely daydreaming a lot. The digital clock I have here on my windowsill just clicked over to 11:10 and snapped me out of it. I can't even tell you what I was thinking about this time.
Maybe I should go to the beach. I was going to go yesterday but I looked at this thermometer outside my window and it said it was 102F. I said to myself "fuck that!" *laugh* I went into the back yard to check out our pond back there and the heat was so bad I couldn't breathe. The sun felt good on my skin though. I'd really like to go out there and sit on the beach and watch the waves. God it's just so hot though. Well we will see.
I don't think this is how other people blog. I read blogs and usually it's about some topic like religion or politics... or gaming. I just type. That's just the way I roll. (God that cracks me up every time I see that "just the way I roll" hahaha)
I have a lot on my mind. I never could just take everything for face value. I wish I could train myself to stop tearing into everything. To just take it as it goes and for what it is on the surface. Am I even making any sense? I think I am. It makes sense to me anyway. I need to learn to just accept things. To just let go of everything and relax and be happy. I am always telling other people to just choose to be happy. I wont let myself be a hypocrite.
I have so much to offer. So much to share. I am a good friend. I am trustworthy and honest. A little too honest. A lot of folks can't handle my honesty. I get that and it's okay, but I am not going to pretend to be someone I am not. This is who I am.
So I might come back and blog again later. I have to keep busy. I'm so restless. My heart hurts.
I wish I was needed more. I really am amazing. Lean on me.
I am gonna go see how hot it is outside...
I'm still in love.
Still love you all too.
Later. June 28 So...A total stranger asked to be added as a friend to my spaces live blog here. I really don't understand the concept but whatever.
My heart is hurting today. (at the time of this edit it is on the road to repair)
I want to say I know what it's like to want to just give up. To have no desire to do anything. I completely get that. I have been there many times in my life.
Sometimes you feel like you're all alone, but you're not.
Love is give and take. Don't be afraid to take what is given to you.
I never got to finish this blog. Something came up.
Sometimes we have to climb some mountains to get to the green valleys. Sometimes I wish I had powers I don't have. I wish I had the ability to make everything okay with just a touch or a caress. I wish I had the ability to relieve tension through the sound of my voice... or the look in my eye.
I have been up for about 36 hours now. The clouds on the background of this blog are actually moving because my eyes are so tired. I let some tears go today. I have so much love that sometimes it overflows as tears. Sometimes I just have to cry to wash the bad away.
I can't let any situation steal my joy.
Sometimes we say things the wrong way and are afraid that we've fucked something up. Fortunately the people I chose to spend my time with know for a fact what I am trying to say most of the time, ok sometimes I stay up for 36+ hours and I get a little delirious. But most of the time I can tell what you mean... and you can tell what i mean. And that's the only thing that matters.
I'll be somewhat distracted in the next week or so... trying to keep up with my own life and get my affairs in order so to speak. There's a future for me. I need to start getting ready for it. It's in my heart... and I think it's finally starting to get through to my soul.
Love ya's all.
~Me June 27 HowdyWell now... what shall I write about today?
Let's ramble randomly.
J says I should clarify on my blog here that I am not looking for nor interested in any other guys (Besides Chris). He said in one of my previous blogs it sounded like I wanted guys to approach me. (I don't know what he's talking about but whatever) I am not interested in anyone but Chris. It's all good.
Ok that's that.
Now what else. . .
I am still writing this book in my head. Once I start typing it's going to all come out quite nicely. I just need to organize my thoughts more. It's going to be awesome.
Nothing going on here really. Talked to my sister on the phone for about an hour today. She's a great person. I am glad she is my sister. I need to send her a card. I never used to do the card thing but I think I am going to start. It makes me feel good.
My settlement is coming along nicely. I am going to be a comfortably wealthy lady soon enough. I just need some patience. I really suck at the patience virtue. I don't know why. I used to have a lot of patience back when I worked with my hands more. Now I just can't seem to find that groove. Instant gratification. I am working on it though. I am working on that and also on letting myself be angry about stuff. That's totally new to me. I mean I am not freaking out and smashing my keyboard and stuff (lol) but I am letting myself get mad and acknowledging the fact that I am angry about things. It's a healthy thing to do I think. We'll see.
There's a lot of personal stuff going on that I am not going to share with you all. I haven't been able to play much poker lately because of it though. You can't play poker whilst you are distracted. It could turn out to be costly.
The beach
 has been awesome in the mornings here. Afternoons are just too HOT and it storms practically every afternoon so you really have to be back in by 11. But there's only one thing I love more than the beach... and he knows who he is *wink*Welp, that's the only update I've got right now. Keep in mind I may be inspired later... or not. *laugh*
I'll just get more coffee and relax.
Relaxing is good.
I am trying to be obsequious. I really am. Someone special said I need to learn to relax. SO... I am learning.
Smile. Be happy. Know you are loved. <3
 I know you guys are reading!
 I am gonna get another one of those disposable cameras
 and take more pictures soon.
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Invite as friend
Hope all is well ~ Se'an
