Wow what a shitty mood I am in today. I don't even know why I am blogging... I wonder who even reads this anymore? I am still getting a bunch of hits every day, it shows you that. I wonder why you're reading this.
Chris said once he used to read this before we even got together. Makes me wonder who else is looking, and if Chris still is.
  I don't know why I am feeling so foul today. I just woke up this way I suppose. Not really hateful just kind of not caring about anything. I hope it isn't something that's going to stick around very long. I don't really like feeling this way.
  It's going to rain today. I might go sit at the beach and let it rain on me. Maybe it will wash away today's negativity.


I love you.

I cant seem to blog lately. Everything I type just comes out so melodramatic and that's really not how I am feeling. I don't know what to say. I am so confused about everything. I am just trying not to totally shut down.

I really can't go on pretending everything is okay though. Am I really expected to? I do wonder. I need to get away for a while. Do things for myself. I don't think I will. It's just wishful thinking.

I got a call from an ex this past weekend. We knew each other more than 10 years ago I guess.  Said we were going to go out for drinks but never did. I doubt we will. I don't have the energy to put into him. He's not worth it. He really never was, too bad I didn't learn that BEFORE  I caught him in bed with my best friend back then. LOL!  I'm sure he'll call again. There are other people more worthy of my time though. So he better catch me when I am really really bored.

Tara says I don't get angry enough. Tell more people to just kiss my ass. She's and I are so different. She is assertive and I am submissive. I am glad to have her as my friend for so long. Everyone should be lucky enough to have a friend like Tara.

I miss having someone to curl up next to at night. That's all I am going to say about that.

My back hurts. I am gonna go get the TENS unit for an hour.

Love you all.

"It's ok, you can't help it. It's who you are." He said to me.
It's one of the last things he said to me until today. It makes me just sit here and stare at my screen thinking about it. I am so crazy about him I can barely contain myself. I want to touch him and feel him touch me. I want to look into his eyes. I want to be owned by him. It takes my breath away and makes my eyes tear up just thinking about it.
I am way too emotionally available to men. I open my heart WIDE and hold a big neon sign that says COME THE FUCK ON IN! And then I wonder why I hurt so bad. But what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't help it. It's who I am.

So I am going to go to bed now, at 4:33am. I will get on my knees at my bedside like I've been doing every night, and say my three prayers. One my mother taught me, one for the ones I love and care about, and the Lords Prayer. Then I will curl up in my bed and hold my pillow against me and think of him. I can't help it. It's who I am.

  Tomorrow I am supposed to meet up with an old friend. He and I saw each other a long long time ago. I am thinking 10 years now. He cheated on me with my BFF. I actually ran into him online and he called today. Apologized in his own way for what he did to me. It wasn't necessary. I am long over THAT. It wasn't like I was in love with him. It wasn't nearly like how I feel right now about the man who told me that I can't help it, it's just who I am. Anyhow, we talked for a while today. He lives pretty close. We are going to go to lunch and catch up. Don't go getting it into your head that this guy and I are going to hook up in any way. It's not like that. Just two old friends for lunch. That's all. My feelings are too strong for someone else. I can't help it. It's who I am.

I am so tired now. Feels good to blog though. Rickey's girlfriend is still giving me hell. I take it just so he doesn't have to hear about it. It makes him so unhappy that she's like this. So he doesn't know. I don't think he ever will. I can't believe even now she is still jealous of me. She has absolutely no trust. Without trust there is no love. Sadly this is something they have to learn for themselves. I have learned it. Maybe that's why I can't help it. Maybe that's why I am who I am.

Well I have some freak asking me to meet up with him for sex... (yes at 4:44am) So I guess that's a sign I should have ended this blog 5 minutes ago and gone to bed LoL! I am just not into random sex anymore. I have totally outgrown it. I just want someone who cares. I can't help it. It's who I am. Love me for that.

So the luckiest day of the decade, yesterday, wasn't so lucky for me. At least not on the surface. Maybe sometime later we'll end up with some sort of lucky result because of yesterday but I can't see that right now.
I am feeling pretty shitty today. One of those "not that it matters" kind of days.
I wish I could get some answers. That's all.
I'm never allowed to know the answers it seems.

 On July 25 my life changed forever. I didn't realize it at the time, mind you, and I had absolutely no intention of diving into the pool that I am in right now, but it has changed and here I am.
I can't put it into words and I am afraid to say it here for reasons I can't get into right now. Certain people need to be spoken to and certain things just aren't meant for the world to know. I am a little off center right now as I just had a tooth pulled and it was quite... violent... because it wouldn't come out. So maybe I'll make sense to you but maybe I wont.
 Have you ever had to tell someone something but were absolutely terrified to do so? What I have to do is going to take all of my strength. I have broken a promise that I never believed I would ever break. It was totally out of my control but that doesn't make it any better.   I have never in my life been in this position and I know, I know I am doing the right thing.
 My "fans" may notice I went back and deleted a few of my blogs. I am not completely sure why I did it. I just felt it was the best thing to do. Some of it was very well written and it's a shame it's gone, but it was filled with inaccuracies and I didn't want anyone who comes along to read it and think that it was true and real today, when it's not. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense. It's intensely important to me that I take care of things and make everything "right" though, so I need to do what I need to do.
 I am full of anxiety today because last night I passed over a threshold into a whole new world. I will get into it soon. I just need that other door to completely close first. Closure. That's what I need.
 
I'll blog more when I am feeling better. This shit is really starting to hurt.

  The title of this blog is actually an excellent song by HINDER. Listen to it if you've got time. Own it if you can.

 I recently said goodbye to something I had been holding onto for longer than everyone said I should. To that end, you could say that I also said goodbye to hope along with it. Now I have chosen another path. It's pretty dark and scary. I am terrified.
 I have a "friend" who drinks every night and sends me messages. Sometimes he's begging me to move to Maine... sometimes he's angry because I am hardly answering him. Most of the time I wish I had something to say to him but I don't. I am just not interested. Every single message has some sort of reference to how much he's drinking or has drunk. (drank?) It's nothing but annoying.
 I am pretty scared tonight. I have opened this new door. Taken this new path... learned all these new cliches! I really need to have something solid to count on in my life, and as the tears roll down my face tonight I realize I may not have that for quite some time still.
 I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me. Then I moved on to men who would abuse me. Then I moved on to men who would cheat on me. Then I moved on to men who would be emotionally abusive and neglectful. Where am I moving onto now?
 I've learned to love myself, I don't see those types of men entering my life again. I do tend to wonder though, where my path is leading. What have I gotten myself into...
 Look into your heart and you'll find love. Look into my heart and you'll find my whole world. I really am pretty lucky to be who I am. I have so much love...so much of the whole world to give. Not everyone can say that. Very few can truly say that.

Love you all.

  What happens when your life comes to a screeching halt? I am standing at the precipice and I am not sure if I have stepped over the edge or not. I feel like I am in some sort of dream state and I am not sure I want to wake up from it. I don't know if I am interested in coming back down to earth.
 What I am thinking I cannot put into words. I am lost and yet I don't want to be found. I am not confused anymore I think I see things fairly clearly now. I guess it's because I have let go of everything. Sometimes everything we want for ourselves we really already have.
 I know in my soul who I am and where I am going. What I want. My hopes my fears. All very complex and very real. I no longer over simplify myself. Here I am here's who I am take it or leave it. We are all complex and deep human beings.
 I am about to float away in this dream I am having. I'll let you in my heart a lot easier than I will let you into my mind. It's not hard to get into my heart. It's to live in my thoughts that is an accomplishment. To get  me to open up and share my thoughts, my fears, my dreams... how can you enter that area of my mind without meaning something to me? You can't. I keep that area of me pretty tightly locked away.
 Someday you will look back at me. Maybe with regret, maybe with longing, but always with amazement at the person I am. Maybe because I am not always the person you want me to be.

So I woke up this morning and took a look in the mirror and saw some new lines on my face. I don't know how many of you have experienced it but it is a very humbling thing to see. Of course I scrubbed my face really well with cleanser and took another look hoping it was just from the sheets... laugh.
 
A few days ago I was on my way to a poker game and had to stop for gas. As I was filling my tank with the liquid gold at nearly $4.50 a gallon and getting psyched up for some poker I started laughing to myself because these guys didn't know what they were in for. I was in a decent mood. I proceed to cross the island and the parking lot to go inside to pay for my gas. I pay and come out the door when I saw a man headed towards me. The way he was looking at me stopped me in my tracks. I smiled at him figuring he recognized me from my poker dealing days and started to worry he might talk to me and I sure as hell didn't recognize him, much less remember his name. He smiled back and said "My God, you are beautiful!" Total stranger and you could tell he meant what he was saying. I smiled, maybe blushed a little, and said "Thank you.". That's all he said. I started to walk to my car and he turned and looked at me. When I glanced back over my shoulder at him he was just smiling and heading inside the store. I can't remember the last time someone who wasn't related to me told me I was beautiful. I suppose Jeff did from time to time when we were getting along, but that was a long time ago. Tara tells me I am beautiful but that doesn't count because she's my bff. The moral of this story is to tell people they are beautiful. Even if you think they already know or must hear it all the time. That man at the gas station made an impact on me. Just because I know I am beautiful doesn't mean that everyone else does. (Laugh) So yeah, it's a good thing to hear, especially from a total stranger.

Have a beautiful day.

So I got my issue of Entertainment Weekly today. What a crappy magazine this has become. I'm so sad. It was such a great mag when I was in high school. Maybe I've just outgrown it.
Anyway, I am flipping through and I see this ad for ORANGE beer. Yes, they've moved on from LIME beer to ORANGE/GRAPEFRUIT beer. It's a Michelob Ultra flavor. Now when I was in Kentucky I never drank. I think I went to a Applebee's once with a friend and had some beers. But it was a dry county so I never bought any in the store, or even saw any ads on television for alcohol. So maybe I am not up on the current trends.. but what the... I mean to say WHAT THE FUCK is Orange flavored beer? What demographic are we targeting with this? Think about it.

What else... I am starting to listen to more music. I am really digging it.
Playing lots of UO in the evenings. Working on my physical therapy during the day. Trying hard to climb this mountain. Really getting down with my writing. (no you can't read it yet!) Generally I am starting to become a lot more... centered. It's a good thing.
Things are going to really start coming together. I just hope I am ready for everything that comes my way. I am bracing myself.

I can't wait for Fall TV to start again. There's nothing like curling up on the loveseat with a blanket and just watching and sharing. It's part of that American Dream I keep fantasizing about. To me it all just goes together. Maybe it's because of how I grew up. My parents were always affectionate to each other and we always sat down as a family and watched television. My parents keeping each other warm. Me on the floor. I sat on the floor a lot as a kid. I don't know why. We had chairs and a couch and all. I just liked being on the ground. Happy memories. I want to make more of those.

Love you guys!
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<3

I'm so lucky.   Lucky like you'll never know.

That is all.