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BHeavenlyJust an Experiment in Narcissism
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August 17 And Now For a Request...Two requests in one day for me to update my blog here so here I am typing away.
Let's see what should I talk about...
I quit smoking three years ago in November. Damn could I use a smoke tonight! No I will pass. I am doing really well, I just really crave it tonight. I'll live.
So here I am wondering what path I am going to end up down. I feel kind of like I am under water... or behind a waterfall. Maybe I will go to the beach tomorrow.
Yes I am being totally random tonight. My friend Pat was enjoying my mood comments on myspace so I am gonna have to remember to keep those updated :P
My back is really hurting. I don't know what is going to happen with it. Damn I am so sick of hurting like this. You know how sometimes you do something so much it becomes second nature? That's what my pain is like.. it's just there all the time.
I really REALLY don't have anything to update here... nothing I want to share with anyone right now that's for sure. Some serious stuff was handed to me today and tonight and I am going to have to take a few days... weeks.... months.... to figure it all out.
I recently told Ric it all boils down to who the last person you think about before you go to bed and the first one you think about when you wake up. He later told me that there's no chance of us trying to fix things. I guess after only a week I shouldn't have expected more, but the things he said to me. I guess they all say things you want to hear. I'd still die in a fire for him. That doesn't mean that I am in love with him, just that he made an impression on me that lasted. There's quite a few people like that. I just wonder how many people actually care about that? Ya know? Or even KNOW I feel that way in the first place. It's not like I've ever said "I'd die in a fire for you" LOL
I think I am going to take a day and go to the beach this week. Probably tomorrow after I go straighten out my banking BS. I need to reflect a little. Need a little time to think of what's best for me. I don't know that I've actually ever known before so I don't know why I'd think I'd be able to figure it out now. Laugh.
August 13 Missing Wow what a shitty mood I am in today. I don't even know why I am blogging... I wonder who even reads this anymore? I am still getting a bunch of hits every day, it shows you that. I wonder why you're reading this. Chris said once he used to read this before we even got together. Makes me wonder who else is looking, and if Chris still is. I don't know why I am feeling so foul today. I just woke up this way I suppose. Not really hateful just kind of not caring about anything. I hope it isn't something that's going to stick around very long. I don't really like feeling this way. It's going to rain today. I might go sit at the beach and let it rain on me. Maybe it will wash away today's negativity. I love you. August 12 Should Have Left the Light OnI cant seem to blog lately. Everything I type just comes out so melodramatic and that's really not how I am feeling. I don't know what to say. I am so confused about everything. I am just trying not to totally shut down. I really can't go on pretending everything is okay though. Am I really expected to? I do wonder. I need to get away for a while. Do things for myself. I don't think I will. It's just wishful thinking. I got a call from an ex this past weekend. We knew each other more than 10 years ago I guess. Said we were going to go out for drinks but never did. I doubt we will. I don't have the energy to put into him. He's not worth it. He really never was, too bad I didn't learn that BEFORE I caught him in bed with my best friend back then. LOL! I'm sure he'll call again. There are other people more worthy of my time though. So he better catch me when I am really really bored. Tara says I don't get angry enough. Tell more people to just kiss my ass. She's and I are so different. She is assertive and I am submissive. I am glad to have her as my friend for so long. Everyone should be lucky enough to have a friend like Tara. I miss having someone to curl up next to at night. That's all I am going to say about that. My back hurts. I am gonna go get the TENS unit for an hour. Love you all. August 10 I Can't Help It. "It's ok, you can't help it. It's who you are." He said to me. It's one of the last things he said to me until today. It makes me just sit here and stare at my screen thinking about it. I am so crazy about him I can barely contain myself. I want to touch him and feel him touch me. I want to look into his eyes. I want to be owned by him. It takes my breath away and makes my eyes tear up just thinking about it. I am way too emotionally available to men. I open my heart WIDE and hold a big neon sign that says COME THE FUCK ON IN! And then I wonder why I hurt so bad. But what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't help it. It's who I am. So I am going to go to bed now, at 4:33am. I will get on my knees at my bedside like I've been doing every night, and say my three prayers. One my mother taught me, one for the ones I love and care about, and the Lords Prayer. Then I will curl up in my bed and hold my pillow against me and think of him. I can't help it. It's who I am. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet up with an old friend. He and I saw each other a long long time ago. I am thinking 10 years now. He cheated on me with my BFF. I actually ran into him online and he called today. Apologized in his own way for what he did to me. It wasn't necessary. I am long over THAT. It wasn't like I was in love with him. It wasn't nearly like how I feel right now about the man who told me that I can't help it, it's just who I am. Anyhow, we talked for a while today. He lives pretty close. We are going to go to lunch and catch up. Don't go getting it into your head that this guy and I are going to hook up in any way. It's not like that. Just two old friends for lunch. That's all. My feelings are too strong for someone else. I can't help it. It's who I am. I am so tired now. Feels good to blog though. Rickey's girlfriend is still giving me hell. I take it just so he doesn't have to hear about it. It makes him so unhappy that she's like this. So he doesn't know. I don't think he ever will. I can't believe even now she is still jealous of me. She has absolutely no trust. Without trust there is no love. Sadly this is something they have to learn for themselves. I have learned it. Maybe that's why I can't help it. Maybe that's why I am who I am. Well I have some freak asking me to meet up with him for sex... (yes at 4:44am) So I guess that's a sign I should have ended this blog 5 minutes ago and gone to bed LoL! I am just not into random sex anymore. I have totally outgrown it. I just want someone who cares. I can't help it. It's who I am. Love me for that. August 09 So it was... Yesterday. So the luckiest day of the decade, yesterday, wasn't so lucky for me. At least not on the surface. Maybe sometime later we'll end up with some sort of lucky result because of yesterday but I can't see that right now. I am feeling pretty shitty today. One of those "not that it matters" kind of days. I wish I could get some answers. That's all. I'm never allowed to know the answers it seems.
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